Friday, 14

While having 2 new axels put in the Golden Nugget at the Tony the '"car guy's", oil change, brakes checked, etc called Jeff.  We talked about the impending visit to Grove, OK to see Lee for the last time.

He was excited!  Happy!  Said, .... "Please stay here! I have room, it will be great!".  So very sweet and this will allow a small support system.

Sunday, 16

I'm following my friend, David Gonzales, to Tecate, MX. He's doing his one man performance there and invited me to be his guest: sex is off the table.  :) While at a burger diner in Cochella before we head out, I get a text from Jeff: "I'm sorry, its been 40 years since you decided not to have family in your life. So i would rather not have you in the rest of my life."

wow.  gulp.  wow.

A bit of shock courses in my veins and attacks my soul.  David has no idea of the text.  We have a 3-4 hour drive to the border and I'm relieved to be driving alone and for the time to think on this.

Thoughts:
1. Something happened to have such an abrupt change in behavior
2. It hasn't been 40 years, but perhaps 19.... :/
3. I did TRY but was rejected
4. When did anyone ever try to be a part of my life?
5. Who reached out to me?  Neal, yes... but?
6. Who traveled to see me? visit me? see me perform?  No one, not even Neal.
la la la la la....

Then David and I take a break at the Salton Sea.  This highly reflected my mood.

A bit more driving and feeling completely inadequate, sad, lonely, a failure, confused, tired, deflated, poor ol' steph, poor me, poor... fuck this.  What can I do? What have I done? So selfish? So self centered to not reach out more? What more could I have done? What could I have done?

While driving, a crazy sense started to push me down to the way I felt 50 years ago.  That place of thick pressure around my throat. A place of oppressed fear.  A place of obligated 'joy'. A place of complete aloneness and inability to see.

That sense of teenage angst was so close, again, that it all made sense.  To KNOW that there had to be a personal and spiritual escape to survive.  I do know that I was the 'Mom' to my siblings, however, I WAS NOT THE MOM.  This was not my job, but my job was to find out what my job was to be; to discover my talent; to explore my potential; to find peers in 'a' field; to know and understand what it would be to have inner joy.

As we continued the drive we stopped again along the desolate and barren landscape.  A location that was destined to be a resort of enormous means.  As we drove along the dirt lots, I noticed massive abandoned electric poles and wires, fire hydrants, street signs, abandoned water tubing.  Signs that advertised lots for sale at a great price of $6,900.00.  However, the Sea is toxic.  However, the fish are dying. However, the pollutants become air born and affect the Cochella Valley.  However, the rotting fish become a health hazard all the way over Palm Springs to LA. However, this Sea that the Rat Pack visited and investors shaved their hungry teeth on became a reflection of how our wilting environment and greed create profound loss.

Gee, I hope Mexico is....

We continue to the border stopping once at a Subway for a potty break and coffee.

We're met by staff of La Puerta, they valet our bags, they escort us through customs, they load us in the van to La Puerta, they deliver our bags to the room.

This place is the opposite of everything just written about.  Loving gardens. Quite birds. Mexican tile. Respectful staff.  I realize, this is the exact spot to be to ingest the trip to OK.  No cell phone access.  6am-8pm classes on meditation, MELT, stretch, yoga, pilates, hikes, organic meals with all freshly picked herbs and veggies from the on site gardens, like minded spiritual seekers, therapists, teachers, philanthropists, educators, .... wow.... If they could see me now.