Saturday, 29

Well, I did a 'guilt' text to the little boys... "hurt"

Within 1 minute, the oldest little boy, Trey, called. He was upbeat and clearly a very happy person.  This is a good thing for him. But, my question is why couldn't he call? Why wouldn't he call?  He said he was very busy visiting, traveling, etc. Sorry... don't buy that, but, love IS patient and perhaps, one day, this will be clear: call your Mother on special days.

But, the baby still is silent.  He called last week and we had a lively chat about a good time for him to come out for Christmas and wanted to know the best day.  I was driving and said I'd get that to him as soon as I got home, which I did.

No text. No call. No apparent plan. No Thanksgiving day wish.  Last year I was ignored by this child... could it POSSIBLY BE A REPEAT?  WTF? I'm getting to the point of just letting it all go and learning to expect or hope for NOTHING.

In the meantime, lovely Dorothy Nall's painting got a colored wall to give it a home.  She painted this as a birthday gift for me. :) It was a photo from the Discovery Trip and was taken in the Painted Desert/Petrified Forest in New Mexico.  At first I thought it might be too dark. But, now I think I like it~!

Tomorrow looking at will stuff and oil lease / probate to Hailley. (?)

Onward!

November 28, Black Friday

Penny came down from Big Bear and we had a simple, yet labor intensive Tday meal.

Nice that she came on Wednesday!  That morning I made caramel for an apple tart!  Wow.  Smelled great and never knew what caramel was made of and it was easy-peasey, fun... Also made my cranberry relish with an emphasis on jalepeno and mint.  :)

We went for Italian apps then a movie, Gone Girl.
Home, walked Q and g'nite!

Next day we decided to eat around 4. So, made the crust for the tart. Very French!!! as, 1/2 of the recipe was with powdered sugar and egg yolks, rather than all flour and butter. So, we'll see.

Penny brought a 6 pound (?!) turkey breast so I roasted it in a clay casserole with all the traditional spices. However, decided to mix the spices in butter, then smeared all over with S&P.  We'll see.

Brussel sprouts roasted in olive oil, glaze, S&P; yukon/garlic mashed potatoes; salad; gravy.  Perfect!

A little champagne in the early afternoon (for me only) and a hot tub/swim.  Hailley called and we had a great little chat about all things immediate and relevant.  Mostly her recent extra work and the director taking a liking to her 'moment' and camera friendliness. A little walk around the grounds to pick fresh fruit: kumquats, mexican limes, grapefruit, oranges.  A little appetizer of crab dip that Penny brought.  It smelled divine!

I set the table with the Christian Dior china, we ate around 5 and the day was so warm that the windows were all open~

Quincey was a bit annoyed with the whole ordeal and NOT being the star of the house, but succumbed to rest in his favorite living room bed.

The afternoon walk had to include a selfie.  God!  What happened ???? hahaha

Waited for the boy children to call their Mama and wish her happy Thanksgiving.... not a peep.  sigh. I feel a guilt text coming on saying:  "hurt".

The food was great and all came together as the miracle of a production number! Ah, a fine little Thanksgiving, but I seriously miss Linda's turkey!!!!!!!

Onward.

Wednesday, 19

Fully intending on last participation in this amazing place, a restless sense was overwhelming....

David's performance, Orpheus and Eurydice, the night before, allowed a pivotal moment in my morning meditation.

He'd left by 6am and was hiking, meditating, espresso-ing.  I proceeded to pack and organize then fell into a precious knoll right outside the door, to just sit and face the rising sun.  In sitting a natural ease came to focus and soon, mediation was full on.  In that state, the previous nights' story came to me.

I was sitting cross legged with my hands folded in my lap. Facing the sun, eyes closed, I could feel the warmth, quiet, surroundings.  From my gut a surge began and, unknowingly tears welled and boiled out.   I lowered my head and I was catching the tears in my hands.  While experiencing this (quite phenomenally, as I wasn't crying), I started to sway. Realizing the tears were real, I started to breath deeply from my nose and through my mouth.  This rhythm took place and it was as if I was holding, rocking, shhhh-ing, as in soothing a baby.  The tears were not mine, but......... yes, the spiritual sense of care taking was fully in place.  If I couldn't be there in person, I certainly was, in fullness, there in spirit.

David returned and joined me on the small knoll, offering a fresh espresso!  I shared with him the power of his story and how the tears seemed like deeply buried coal in my gut; that deep coal becoming diamonds; those diamonds becoming my tears.  Diamonds.

We sat, briefly, in silence.  Then he asked if I was ok.

Onward to breakfast and noticing magnificent wall hangings.  These were commissioned by Deborah in honor of her husband's many writings on shamanism, meditation, mystical concepts.

The staff was awesome gathering my things, assisting across the border and customs, even putting my stuff in my car.

Driving home I knew there was nothing I could do or fix.  The love I do still have has to be carefully offered as, it is surprising, how many can't accept it.

A little reminder on the way out:

Homeward bound, again photos can tell such stories!

Tuesday, 18

Same alarm, earlier hike and not with the group.  We decided to go a different route.  The day before, David had scouted out a hike to a small summit and it sounded perfect.  So, off we went. We arrived.

He asked me soul drenched questions and in big looping tears, spilled my heart as in frozen peas.

A nice breath and ta-da! The top!

Once down, we had breakfast and went on our separate ways. Meeting up for lunch.

In the meantime, in my hiking clothes, fully dressed and booted up, I took a nap by the pool in the warmth of the autumnal Mexican sun.  I intended only 15 minutes. 1.15 hours later I wake up as a drunk staggering for location, time, day!  Ha!

Then, meandered around the grounds and took a swing under a low swooping Oak in that multicolored slim fitted hammock.

Dinner came around and we were invited to be the guests of the proprietress, Deborah Szekely, who was having a private dinner for the presenters... she wanted to meet them all as well as for them to meet each other.  Each had 4-5 minutes to talk about the journey that brought them to this moment, sitting here, at this table, eating... And added that the guests needed to share their 4-5 minutes, too, as sometimes the guests are more interesting that the presenters!  She listened to all with great intent and asked direct follow up questions or joked or wanted others to comment on their 'story'.  What a great idea for a dinner  party that had all new guests, or even old friends!

She was absolutely sublime!  At that moment, I did reflect of the "impending" and that great, great difference.

ww.rancholapuerta.com

Monday, 17

After a fairly sleepless night. The alarm finally came at 6:15.  It's been a very long time since I've slept in bed with anyone and then with the agreed upon arrangement of 'no sex', it was, well... a first.

7am and a 2 mile hike.  An industrious band of early rising hikers marched forth, some at a leisurely pace, some speeding ahead, all in sync with the rhythm of dawn.

Along the way marvelous creatures appeared and heralded the open path, the boundless limit, the hidden treasures.

Quickly, before breakfast a reluctant Steph smile.

At breakfast, David and all smiles forward.

The day proceeded with classes and workshops.  I participated in: stretch, sculpt and strength, bar method, celebrating stories with Terry Laszlo-Gopadze, guided meditation, new comers gathering ... then, dinner.

David had his own schedule.  

We agreed in this mutually safe space to do what we needed and wanted to do, touch base and carry on.  We met up for lunch and sat outside with other residents, chatting, learning, sharing.  We met up at the newcomers'  gathering then sat with some 'new comers'. We all agreed that this is an amazing place we were in!

Friday, 14

While having 2 new axels put in the Golden Nugget at the Tony the '"car guy's", oil change, brakes checked, etc called Jeff.  We talked about the impending visit to Grove, OK to see Lee for the last time.

He was excited!  Happy!  Said, .... "Please stay here! I have room, it will be great!".  So very sweet and this will allow a small support system.

Sunday, 16

I'm following my friend, David Gonzales, to Tecate, MX. He's doing his one man performance there and invited me to be his guest: sex is off the table.  :) While at a burger diner in Cochella before we head out, I get a text from Jeff: "I'm sorry, its been 40 years since you decided not to have family in your life. So i would rather not have you in the rest of my life."

wow.  gulp.  wow.

A bit of shock courses in my veins and attacks my soul.  David has no idea of the text.  We have a 3-4 hour drive to the border and I'm relieved to be driving alone and for the time to think on this.

Thoughts:
1. Something happened to have such an abrupt change in behavior
2. It hasn't been 40 years, but perhaps 19.... :/
3. I did TRY but was rejected
4. When did anyone ever try to be a part of my life?
5. Who reached out to me?  Neal, yes... but?
6. Who traveled to see me? visit me? see me perform?  No one, not even Neal.
la la la la la....

Then David and I take a break at the Salton Sea.  This highly reflected my mood.

A bit more driving and feeling completely inadequate, sad, lonely, a failure, confused, tired, deflated, poor ol' steph, poor me, poor... fuck this.  What can I do? What have I done? So selfish? So self centered to not reach out more? What more could I have done? What could I have done?

While driving, a crazy sense started to push me down to the way I felt 50 years ago.  That place of thick pressure around my throat. A place of oppressed fear.  A place of obligated 'joy'. A place of complete aloneness and inability to see.

That sense of teenage angst was so close, again, that it all made sense.  To KNOW that there had to be a personal and spiritual escape to survive.  I do know that I was the 'Mom' to my siblings, however, I WAS NOT THE MOM.  This was not my job, but my job was to find out what my job was to be; to discover my talent; to explore my potential; to find peers in 'a' field; to know and understand what it would be to have inner joy.

As we continued the drive we stopped again along the desolate and barren landscape.  A location that was destined to be a resort of enormous means.  As we drove along the dirt lots, I noticed massive abandoned electric poles and wires, fire hydrants, street signs, abandoned water tubing.  Signs that advertised lots for sale at a great price of $6,900.00.  However, the Sea is toxic.  However, the fish are dying. However, the pollutants become air born and affect the Cochella Valley.  However, the rotting fish become a health hazard all the way over Palm Springs to LA. However, this Sea that the Rat Pack visited and investors shaved their hungry teeth on became a reflection of how our wilting environment and greed create profound loss.

Gee, I hope Mexico is....

We continue to the border stopping once at a Subway for a potty break and coffee.

We're met by staff of La Puerta, they valet our bags, they escort us through customs, they load us in the van to La Puerta, they deliver our bags to the room.

This place is the opposite of everything just written about.  Loving gardens. Quite birds. Mexican tile. Respectful staff.  I realize, this is the exact spot to be to ingest the trip to OK.  No cell phone access.  6am-8pm classes on meditation, MELT, stretch, yoga, pilates, hikes, organic meals with all freshly picked herbs and veggies from the on site gardens, like minded spiritual seekers, therapists, teachers, philanthropists, educators, .... wow.... If they could see me now.

Tuesday, 11
Wednesday, 12

Tuesday: After working on the 'new' version of Dana Leong Trio lesson plan for 2 hours... had a follow up phone interview with Linda Bunch from CTFD, LA.

I expressed to her the NADTA conference, what I learned, who I met, what the futures of it could be, where to get the education, distance learning, online learning, alternative track, etc and she had some great advice.  Go to the locations here, in the desert, where I'd like to work and request a sit down with the directors.  Find out if drama therapy would be a good option, fit, for future work. Where, she asked, could I work after all the time and money spent on getting the degree?  Find out if there's a market for what you can offer and build in your own job.  Great advice!

Wednesday:
First phone session with Pam Dunne of Drama Therapy Institute of LA (DTILA) and her sense of what I've gleaned.  She said this was all correct and keep it going.  Also mentioned to try and get the degree ALONG with the RDT, same time with similar curriculum.  Also, go for an integrated degree which means 2-3 course work: theatre arts, psychology, education along with DRT and that should provide enough credentials (at at the 500-600 level) to work anywhere.  OK.  Now the COST!  OY.

Nov 7

I had my annual pot luck fall fiesta.  This year it was called "fall into friends"

Lovely time, but I'm waiting for photos.

I'm a lucky gal to have friends who know me, get me, love me... just as I love them.

So, I made the cake.  My fav carrot cake and iced it differently. Instead to two layers and icing I decided to slice them longwise so it was a 4 layered cake with the icing all the way through.  The best!

When the candles came out I wanted anyone who wanted a wish to put their ring around a candle as this was everyone's cake... all the ladies did and the guys wanted to but it was just too too.  Blessed.

Rita put the candles on: 6, then 3, then one for good luck. :)

Nov 2... surprise birthday dinner hosted by Bob. What a sweetie!

We managed to walk to the Tower of the Americas where the revolving Chart House awaited us.  Although it seemed like forever to get there, meandering and wandering... peering heavenly for the top of the tower.  Were we going the right way?! Do we go one more block?! Who's in charge?! We don't know where we are! Aren't we close!? hahahaha! Thank God we'd all had a cocktail before and were joyful about the big 2 block journey!  hahahaha!

Got to the top, sat down and were entertained by the view.  Lovely night with fireworks along the low horizon.  Then, the next meandering probe... are we revolving this way or that way?! Look, we just saw that before!  NO we didn't, we are going the other way, see the cluster of pyramid lights??? They were there, now there there!  But, look at at the floor, we're heading this way! No, we're not... look, see the highway?! See where it is!? Watch it! See it?! But, we're heading the other way, etc, etc, etc.
My GOD it was hilarious!! Finally, the waitress put the dilemma to rest.  We were heading that way! lol

Great food, great fun.

Then photo time:

Nice face

Funny face... Neal and Bob look like they just had a stroke!

Nice face.

Funny face.  aaaaa.... Neal?

So super cool. :0)  xx

Continuing San Antonio, Nov 1

EATING!

Our hostess

L-R: Brad, girlfriend, Neal, Bob, Me, Cindi, Jackie, Bill XXOO

Nov 1, Day of the Dead.

Parades, grottos, memorials, puppets, coffins, gory face paintings... very colorful!

We visited the Briscoe Western Art Museum and a Native was there singing, dancing, chanting, playing his flute in full regalia.  :)  We wandered around and ended up at The Market where Mexican goods are plentiful as well as restaurants.

Bob, Jackie, Bill, Cindi, Me

San Antonio continuing...

Best said in photos at this point!

::))

Halloween night at the Menger.  Ghosts abound especially room 2050!  So, we went there and we all thought Bob was going to pee his pants!!! Cindi has a halo!

 The boys contemplating the lawsuit over a too low railing.

 Wondering .... : Where's that friggin' ghost, Steph!

 Venturing forth down the hall with Jackie in the lead.

 Neal swears he saw something!  Bill ain't too happy.  Bob's still cautious.

 The haunted hall, 2nd floor.

Happy Halloween!

November 3, my birthday, #63.

The family reunion was going smoothly and continued, with joy and cautious love.

The members were: Jackie, Bill, Brad, his girlfriend, Brad's kid and his girlfriend, Jackie's daughter, Lesa and her husband, Michael, Bob, Neal, Cindy and ME.  Quite the crew and we were a friendly mob.

We stayed at the Menger Hotel an historic landmark that Teddy Roosevelt stayed at and directly across the street from The Alamo.  Legend has it that it is haunted with very lively Texas figures through the late 1800's to the mid 1900's. Of course, this is very cool!

So, in the planning phase of this, I suggested a psychic to come in and assist in a seance in honor of the 50th passing of Jack B. Eley, our real and imagined father. No one wanted to participate... but, why not!? The day would be the 31st of October! We would all be there! It was 50 years!  The first time that we were all together!  How could they NOT want to do this??

Well, it's them.  Then, there's me.  Clearly one of the reasons, I've been here and they are there. But, no harm, no foul. Just moving on and I was able to have a session on Nov 1, Day of the Dead.  She came to the hotel and we met in my hotel room at 11am.  I saw her in the lobby and called out to her, not knowing her, but feeling this was her.  Her eyes lit and we ventured forth.

Once in my hotel room, she drew the drapes and settled it.  Immediately saw a 'gentleman' to my right.  Great with investments, organizing, study, fixing, futures, balding at the temples... does this sound familiar? "yes". Can you say a name?  "Jack B Eley" B? "Burt".  Ah, yes.  D.  Darren, Darius, David, Darwin, large D, does this sound familiar? "no".  To my left a man is standing.  He's juggling. He's telling me he's always juggling.  Mary.  Does Mary mean anything? "yes".  Who is Mary? "my bio dad's mom".  Yes.  She's there with him. Can you say his name? "yes, Hiram Hartshorn".  Any middle name? "yes, A". Yes. He's always juggling, missing the juggle, too many balls in the air.  He's very effervescent, handsome, social, but now he's stopping as in a snap.  Very effervescent now stopping with a snap.  Does this mean anything?  "yes".  (I'm thinking PTSD) Mary is letting me know she made sure he got out.  Does this make sense? "yes".  This is a good thing.  If he didn't get out things would have been so different and so hard for YOU.  He could never make things happen.  Things would've been very hard. There were other reasons Mary stepped in to get him out.  Does this make sense?  "yes".

The man behind you and the man juggling have a long karmic relationship.  This goes back to biblical.  The man behind you, Jack, was part of Solomon / David tribe. Intellectuals, successful, leaders.  The man to my side was a merchant and Jack was always bailing him out, fixing, helping, taking care, taking over.  This is what happened.  Does this make sense? "yes". They are still working out the karma of this.  I see a woman, not passed, very, profoundly sad.  Incredible sadness. Does this make sense? "yes".

Then she spoke of Trey: I see he's able to fill his pockets.  He keeps putting things in his pockets.  Does this make sense? "yes"
Hailley:  I see babies.  Does this make sense?  "no".  2-3 years... babies.
Evan: I see green grass, outside, lots of running, green grass, physical, soccer? Golf?  Does he like to play soccer? "yes".  What does he do for a living? "plays soccer".  I don't see this for much longer.  I see darkness around this, as in the loss of something so familiar and the loss of what to do. But, this will be ok.  He will stay in that field, but I see marketing, promotion, soccer/golf... more golf.  It will be fine, but there is some darkness before he gets there.  Does this make sense?  "yes"

For me and my heath:  detox.  you need to detox.

The time flew and it was a beautiful session.  I have her card and perhaps one day a phone reading!

Once I got with the family, they all wanted to know HOW DID IT GO???? lololol!

We then got all the oil leases out that Jack had acquired for us kids.  Mind you, they usually paid $3.00 or $22.00... it cost more to file the royalties than worth. But, drilling is about to open up and all these land / drilling companies are wanting to buy our leases.  So, Jackie said, "NO NOT SELLLLLL!!!" Neal said he thinks he sold something a while ago, so he has to investigate what he sold or if he even did.  I always took Bob's lead.  What ever he did, I followed.

Then Bob produces obits from Jack, articles of promotion, kind of his life in newspaper clippings and on two 8x10 sheets.  One of the obits was W. D. Eley.  I said who's the W. "D".??? (thinking of the 'D' that was standing next to Jack in the reading)... this was his dad.  So, Hiram's mom was there and Jack's dad was there.  sa-weet.

Jackie suggested to put all the leases in my kids' names as these go on for perpetuity.  But, not in a will but a trust. So, I'll contact a probate lawyer and see how this happens... So much info!

Next we proceeded to enjoy our time in San Antonio, going for river walks, dinner, museums, naps, Jackie's house before we left as she hosted a brunch. Way too much fun and just so real and loving.  Finally.

 Bob relaxed.

Bob sucking it in!

Neal, Bill, Jackie

Wednesday, Oct 29 and 30

Rented a car and headed to Yosemite to explore a possible new life in Drama Therapy.  The NADTA was having a conference and all the who's who's was there from US, Canada, Iran, South Africa, plus, plus, plus.

I left by 10, got there by 5. Grabbed a sandwich. Met my roommates, 3 grad students from Lesley University out of Cambridge, MA.  Delightful young women on a track of healing others in a creative and inspired way.  Lucky them!!  I was very pooped and was in bed by 8.... definitely the 'old' one in the room!  They all had flown from Boston, time changes, altitude changes and went out to socialize with others at the hot tub.  ouch!  Lucky them, however, I do remember those days and much prefer the bed to the tub!

A full day of workshops and the time flew by.  The classes I chose were designed to educate those who are looking to step into this field.  They were led by the President of the NADT and incoming President.  One is from US the other CA.  Such great work and it iced the fact that more discovery is in the plan to see HOW CAN I DO THIS???

At dinner I sat at a table with the key note speaker who does depth psychology and ecopsychology.  So, so cool! Also, a RDT from Lebanon who just completed a film shot in a women's prison in Lebanon and used DT to help them work through their sentence.  Most of them were in jail for attacking or killing their husbands.

After dinner headed back to Palm Springs at around 8.  Long drive after a long day, but I had a gift from the Eley clan to join them in San Antonio for a reunion.  So, got to Palm Springs by 3am, crashed for a couple of hours and off to the airport at 5am.

The 1st time we 4 kids have ALL been together in one location in 50 years.... to celebrate the life of Jack Eley who passed 50 years ago this year.

Being so busy I only had a chance to take one photo when I first got there.  Lovely lodge and in the midst of giant Sequoias.  ahhhhh!