December 23

This last week has been a rough one.

Realizing that none of my kids will be here.  Realizing that none of them chose to be here.

Trey, I can understand, as he's still in recovery mode and finances definitely play a part.  Question is will he at least call?

Hailley's excusable, as Marnie's going through super rough time with this being 1st Christmas without Tara, going through a divorce, custody battle, home battle... and they are very close.  OK.  I give.  Questions are why were none of them there for me?  Will she call?

Then there's Evan.  This is the 2nd year he's said he'll come then is completely SILENT.  I see photos of him on FB partying in the Bahamas, shit king making 'bro' comments, putting it so squarely in my face I cannot even begin to know HOW to react.

Jeanne says to see a therapist and work this out for ME.

I try to understand, but clearly do not have a grip on understanding.  I try to be patient, however, find being grilled, talked down to by my kids for bothering them, for that horrible ordeal of having to repeat themselves, that they're too busy to call, text or email, just works my patience into depression.

FUCK.  Do I really wish I just had DOGS????  haha

So, Quincey and I are holding tight and enjoying our friendship!  My neighbor, Judy, is being such a doll.  She said, "I just don't want to see you cry anymore!"  That, of course, made me cry.  She's been such an loving shoulder, just listening, then saying, hang onto your daughter!  Boys can be like that...

That, in itself, gave me some strength. Then, the heartfelt invitation from Susan Saxe, my new best cousin... come to Houston!  Then, Jeanne asking... come to Dayton!  Just the thought of being welcome makes me cry.  shit.

Sooooo, now, Tuesday, a new day and new mission.  Dear friends from San Francisco are here.  Such a splendid example of true family love.  They adopted their son, Adam, at birth.  He knows his birth mother and they visited her on their drive down here to Palm Springs.  Christmas they'll be spreading Ron's dad's ashes in the Pacific with Ernest and Adam holding hands. These two dads and their adopted son inspire me beyond belief.  Last night I made spaghetti squash and turkey bolognese.  They came over and so did Judy.  This certainly filled that hole!  Laughter, stories, dreams shared by all.  Yep, filling up the hole with love.

Tuesday's a fine little day.  It's warm, sunny and I don't have cancer!  Holla!

Sunset on December 21

Little presents for Judy and Penny.

Pretty gardenias starting to bloom from Neal and Cindi.

I am grateful for what I have, who my friends are, that I'm still healthy and able to work!